There just aren’t enough Krampus holiday songs out there…
I’m here to fix that!
Blue Krampus by Joe J Thomas
Happy Holidays! Every! Damn! One!
Blue Krampus (parody of “Blue Xmas” by Elvis)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
Copyright 2022, Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, www.JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.
~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Blue Krampus (parody of “Blue Xmas” by Elvis)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
—
I’ll have a blue Krampus without you
The Easter crew dyes eggs in fun hues
On the Fourth of July, fireworks in the sky
Won’t be the same, dear, as Valentines gone by
Oktoberfest’s not best when you’re gone
And Halloween will mask me until dawn
Hanukkah dreidels spin but it’s still not a win
Because you up and left me on Xmas
…
Spoken: Oh my darlin’. You know it’s like that ole’ Krampus visits me every day since you’re gone. I miss you so much. Even if you just threw a shoe at my head, or dunked me in your drowning tub… it’d be way better than this!
…
It’s like groundhog day’s here
But you’re still nowhere near
Because you up and left me on Xmas
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
— Reverend Blue Jeans – Misheard Lyrics —
(lyrics and singing by Joe J Thomas)
Monkey socks – Just a thing with pants I draw with chalk
And if you’d like to have a beer we’ll see. Why I drink tea with Reverend Blue Jeans
Funny feet – Oh ain’t they things that you would never eat
But they’re a bargain that won’t go away. Still dressed today in Leather and Blue Jeans
You might be right, it’s outta sight to retire when we’re closing our eyes
I think I found somethin’ round that’s a tartan surprise
Bunny Fox – She’s a dancer that nobody mocks
There is nothing there to fear or flee. It’s two or three, but Never in Blue Jeans
And mystery meat – You know it’s comin’ for your comfy seat
But there’s a warden that don’t wanna play. He’ll have his way, Whatever in Blue Jeans, babe
I need a light. I’ll have a bite of a tire to the bone of that thigh
Cannot abound what I found in his pantry surprise
Runny Clocks! – When they’re seen the people gotta talk
Don’t you ever shed a tear for bees. Or birds or trees A Rebel in Blue Jeans
But those garden fees they pave the way for Tina Fey’s endeavor in Blue Jeans, babe
With zero down and lower annual fees, they’d only be The Blathering Blue Jeans, babe
There’s a body that will just not stay entombed today. Cadaver in Blue Jeans, babe
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
Copyright 2022 Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.
— Lyrics —
It’s A Gecko
(Parody of “In The Ghetto” by Elvis)
Singing and Lyrics by Joe J Thomas
…
In a boardroom. A marketing wizard with a British lizard,
Came up with a thing for insurance-ing, it’s a Gecko.
For your home and car. You may wonder if he’s from the swamp.
But his voice is filled with that kinda pomp from the Grotto
Now you gotta understand, This guy ain’t no Caveman.
He don’t compete with Emu’s or a waitress named Flo
He is made from lizard meat, With some really funky feet.
And that accent may be Brit or Aussie but it ain’t no status quo.
He can save you cash. He’ll just bundle it up into a package.
Just in case your car gets in some smack-age. He’s that Gecko
It’s an ad campaign. He can ride on a horse in a boxing ring.
He may hip-hop dance or even sing. From a libretto
Who knows just what we’ll see next. Will they shoot him into space?
Run for office with Lady Gaga. Or play the cello with Yo-Yo Ma?
And the ad’s go on. Something makes me keep on watching.
Are they for real or only joshing. With a Gecko
I don’t understand. What insurance has to do with reptiles.
Is it just an odd commercial style? ‘Bout a Gecko
It’s a Gecko.
In Stilettos. Sings Falsetto. Eating Neccos. In The Meadow.
It’s a Gecko.
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
Copyright 2022 Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.
— Lyrics —
Sushi-Oh’s!
(parody of “Domino” by Van Morrison)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
…
Want a breakfast cereal, with plenty of Omega 3’s
Lots of fresh ingredients, comin’ straight out da sea
Got crispy rice and tuna, seaweed bits and salmon
When I pop ‘em in my mouth, well you know my tongue be jammin’
…
Oh oh, Sushi-Oh’s! (all right) Gonna eat me all them rolls! (there you go, lord have mercy)
I said, oh oh Sushi-Oh’s! Tastin’ better than your toes (there you go, say it again)
I said, oh oh Sushi-Oh’s! I said oh oh Sushi-Oh’s!
…
Eat ‘em up with soy milk, sometimes straight outta da box
Just like chirashi, or maybe they’re more like lox
Chewy bits of edamame, shucked out their little pods
It’s so dang delicious, just like cereal from the gods
…
Oh oh, Sushi-Oh’s! (all right) Gonna eat me all them rolls! (there you go, lord have mercy)
I said, oh oh Sushi-Oh’s! Tastin’ better than your toes (there you go, say it again)
I said, oh oh Sushi-Oh’s! (hey!) I said oh oh Sushi-Oh’s!
…
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
Short version: I stopped eating bananas and my back pain has decreased drastically. My grey hair has also started going darker.
Disclaimer: This is a personal journey about my suppositions regarding my medical conditions. I am not a medical professional, so be sure to do your own research for your specific issues. Your mileage may vary. And be sure to check with your doctor before making any dietary, lifestyle, or medication changes.
The Full Story:
Many of you may know I’ve always been a bit obsessed with bananas. (click here for some Banana SCIENCE!) Since my twenties, I’ve eaten one or two a day. Always one in the morning, sometimes a frozen one at night. There’s a lot of good things in a banana (vitamin C, Potassium, Fiber, etc.).
Just before my 59th birthday, I had my yearly physical and blood test. Everything looked good, except my Potassium level was high. The doctor asked what I’d been eating. In addition to my usual banana per day, I’d also been snacking on kiwis, avocados, and dark green leafy veggies – all high in potassium. He recommended I cut back on some of the potassium rich foods, so I went cold turkey on bananas (cold bananas? Yum!)
Within a week of stopping, I started noticing some changes. My usual aches and pains decreased – especially my back pain. I suffer from sciatica that occasionally gets so bad that my right leg won’t support my weight. Excruciating pain and muscle weakness. I use a cane at those times. I had chalked it up to aging and spinal problems. But now, I was wondering how my high-potassium diet might be adding to the issues.
So, I checked in with a good friend who’s also a nutritionist. She told me that potassium and sodium are used by the muscles to contract and relax. Normally the levels are controlled by the kidneys, so excess potassium isn’t an issue. However, when the levels get too high, it can cause serious issues. Including heart problems!
Strange as it sounds, I was starting to put some pieces together. My sciatica, a benign cyst in one kidney, aches and pains… and the potassium from my daily banana.
I now believe that all of these factors contributed to my back pain and my muscle weakness.
Since I stopped, my muscles seem stronger, balance better, and even my hair has been darkening from its silvery grey tone to a darker brown/black.
The take-away: Sometimes a small change in diet or lifestyle can have dramatic results. Taking stock of ourselves, habits and health may be very beneficial in the long run.
I wish you all good health, and look forward to hearing about the changes going on in your lives…
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
Dedicated to all my friends and neighbors who believe the USA is headed into darker times…
Audio:
Vote For Our Rights (Joe J Thomas)
“Vote For Our Rights”
(parody song of Times Of Your Life by Paul Anka)
Lyrics and singing by Joe J Thomas
Published Independence Day, July 4th, 2022
Lyrics:
Farewell my USA. I woke up, when rights were stripped away.
Mass shootings happen all the time. It’s hard to change some people’s minds.
Remember, will you remember?
…
Our days are ruled by fear. No longer those golden yesteryears.
The good things now have all been seen. And people are angry and mean.
Remember, will you remember to vote for our rights.
…
They pack the courts and fix elections.
With power and money on their minds.
Scandals ‘bout men and their erections.
But when they are pressed give deflections.
…
Now here’s the saddest part; Our country is run by white old farts.
Their 1950’s state of mind is out of touch with modern times.
Remember, will you remember to vote for our rights?
…
The future’s in our hands. I really hope that you understand.
If we don’t do more than complain the country’s headed down the drain.
Remember, will you remember to vote for our rights?
For our rights…
Vote for our rights, vote for our rights.
For our rights…
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
Copyright Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.
— Lyrics —
Defeat of the Spanish Armada
parody of “The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
When I was a lad t’was one thing made me sad. Them lessons t’were all about history.
With memorized names, all the dates seemed the same. The whole bloody thing was a mystery.
One summer my task that the teacher had asked was a subject of which I knew nada
So I made up a tale and set it to sail ‘bout the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
One ship hit the bank and another one sank when the keelhaul was nibbled by otters
A monster at sea took another twenty three in the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
One Capitan at night had his beard set alight and he scuttled his ship to the bottom
As it went down in flames it dragged ten more in chains in the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
A nearsighted sailor thought he spotted a failure in the hull that was under the water
He went down with an axe and he never came back from the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
They passed through a geyser chock full of papaya and a fruity wave of piñatas
Fourteen of them wood boats they no longer could float in the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
T’was possession by demons for half of the seaman. They went mad and demanded horchatas
The devils and imps were all turned into chimps for the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
I finished my story and the teacher looked worried then called for my mama and dada
She told them I failed and my future had sailed with the Defeat of the Spanish Armada
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
(parody of “Never Can Say Goodbye” by Gloria Gaynor)
I may have an Amazon addiction… maybe…
Audio:
Amazon Made Me Buy (Joe J Thomas)
Video:
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
Copyright Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.
— Lyrics —
Amazon Made Me Buy
(parody of “Never Can Say Goodbye” by Gloria Gaynor)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
—
Amazon made me buy, don’t you know now
Amazon made me buy
Even though I could just walk outside and get stuff from a store
It’s just so damn inefficient, shopping always leaves me bored
I don’t even need to leave the couch. I’ll just stay behind the door.
Tell me why don’t I go! I’m spending all my dough!
Amazon made me buy, girl.
Oh, baby, Amazon made me buy, don’t you know. Can’t say no.
Amazon made me buy, girl.
Oh, baby, I got a new drone that flies. What a show. Watch it go.
Amazon made me buy, lots of new stuff
Amazon made me buy
But the more I bought, the less I had. My money had run out.
Then Alexa clued me in and told me what it’s all about
She said “You just have to sell some stuff then continue to checkout”
Now I gotta sell! I’m in consumer hell!
Amazon made me buy, boy.
Oh, baby, my bank account is bone dry. It’s so low. Got no dough.
Oh, Amazon made me buy, boy.
Oh, baby, Frozen pizza sold by the slice. It’s not good. Tastes like wood.
Amazon made me buy, things I don’t need
Amazon made me buy
I had no more stuff at home to sell and my credit was declined
So I stole from friends and neighbors. Yeah I robbed their houses blind
I’ll just fence their things to buy new stuff. Oh, I’m sure they wouldn’t mind
Oh, whoa! All this grief! Am I a common thief?
Amazon made me buy, guys.
Oh, neighbors, I’m helping you all downsize, Got your stuff. Not enough.
Oh, Amazon made me buy, guys.
Oh, baby, The boxes are stacked waist high. I can’t see. Woe is me.
Amazon made me buy, I can’t help it
Amazon made me buy
Was it Amazon at my front door? I felt my face go pale
There were fifteen strong policemen come to throw my butt in jail
They said, “You can tell it to the Judge”. Yes it was an epic fail
Oh, I’m not feeling well! Locked in this prison cell!
Amazon made me buy, Judge
Oh it’s crazy, but Amazon made me buy, Let me go. Let me go!
Oh, Amazon made me buy, girl.
Oh, baby, Got a flamingo that’s twice my size. What the heck. I’m a wreck.
(music sting)
Oh, Amazon made me buy, boy.
Oh, baby, Need a thing to make Italian ice. It’s so cold. Just like snow.
Oh, Amazon made me buy, guys.
Oh, baby, Found a painting with creepy eyes. They just see. Look at me.
Oh, Amazon made me buy, Judge.
Oh, baby, Bought an elliptical for my thighs. Exercise. Buns and thighs.
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
In one day last week, I auditioned for 5 different voice match roles. Here’s some useful info about voice matching and how I handle these auditions…
What is Voice Matching?
Voice Matching is when a voice actor is hired to provide the voice of a prior role that was originally performed by another actor. It requires a special set of impersonation skills, and is normally cast via an audition. With celebrities or iconic characters, the studios will usually want an exact (or close as possible) match. Historical figures may or may not have an audio reference. For others, they may only want the general range and feel of the character.
When is Voice Matching used?
There are many scenarios where voice matching may be called for. The original actor may have other commitments or be ill. The project may be for recording a scratch track (later to be voiced by the original actor). With historical voices or for actors who have passed away, the needs run from filling in some missing lines, to recreating a voice from history. Another possibility is that the original actor was in a movie version, and doesn’t want to reprise his role for a game or series. And of course sometimes the studios may have financial or other issues with given actors.
Who have you voice matched for VO projects, Joe?
Here’s a partial list of some of my past voice matching jobs: Steve Martin, Harrison Ford, Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Ronald Reagan, Adolf Hitler, Elvis Presley, Colonel Sanders, Patrick Stewart, Sean Connery, Leonardo Da Vinci, James Madison, HAL 9000, FDR, Warren Buffett, Jeffrey Tambor, Bryan Cranston, Charles Babbage, Steve Jobs, Werner Herzog, Max Headroom, Chris O’Dowd, WWII veteran voices, and voices from The Alamo.
Each of these voice match impressions took time to develop. And for every one that I’ve used on a project, there are dozens more that I’ve got in reserve. It’s a constant process of learning and creating.
What does it take as a voice actor to do matching?
As with most things, it takes lots of practice. You’ll also have to get used to all of the intricacies of your own voice. For me, training in singing and improv were the most useful. Everyone’s voice and ears are different. Some will be more successful than others at this. Each accent, character or impression can take weeks, months or years to perfect. Don’t be daunted. Baby steps. Start with voices that are already similar to your own. Sometimes, I’ll even combine several voices I’m comfortable with to get a new one. Get feedback from other voice actors, coaches or mentors. With time, everyone can extend the range of their vocal capabilities. And if you don’t end up with a spot-on impression, you may still end up with a great character voice to use on future projects.
A Real World Example: Vincent Price
In my prior post, “Price of Horror” (click to read), I go into some of the details about the process of replicating the voice of Vincent Price. The upshot was that it landed me an audition and a real job further down the line. This has happened to me several times, including a job for “This American Life” on NPR – you can read about that in “Comedy To Cash” (click to read).
It pays to work on your craft, even if there’s no audition or job at stake right now. You may be creating something you’ll need for the future. Better to have more tools in your toolbox.
Your Take?
Have you done Voice Matching for projects? Impressions of celebrities? Accents? Funny characters?
Let me know your views on this topic in the comments below!
Happy voicing!
Joe
All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com
