the Weird Al Time Machine Polka!

Posted on September 3, 2026 by Joe's Dump

the Weird Al Time Machine Polka!

Ever had an idea for a parody song, only to find that Weird Al had already written it? Finally! The true story is revealed in this original Polka by Joe J Thomas (of Joe’s Dump)

the Weird Al Time Machine Polka by Joe J Thomas

Original Song!
Midi, Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
the Weird Al Time Machine Polka!
(an original song by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump)

— Lyrics —
While writing down a song in 1979
Weird Al showed up and he blew my mind
Seems he had just invented a new time machine
He grabbed my music then he fled the scene

Astounding as it was it’s only just the start
Funny music stirred deep in my heart
Weird Al followed me thru time and space
He’d steal my music and off he’d race

Grabbed My Bologna and he’d Ride The Bus
Eat It Like A Surgeon not a bit of fuss
Yoda was Addicted To Spuds you see
Stole my Lasagna, got too Fat for me

Could I tell police about these crimes?
Who’d believe a thief who goes back in time?
I need a solution to this X-Files case
Or at least some way to keep him outta my place.

Try as I might I just couldn’t win
Around every corner there was more of him
When I sat down to write he was looking on
From late at night till the crack of dawn

Paranoia in my noggin it was on the rise
While writing at a diner he’d eat my fries
Would I go insane? Was there no escape?
There wasn’t any more of this that I could take!

You must believe me! There’s so many Weird Al things you need to know!
I’ll never stop him! Now he’s even got his very own television show!
Last time he came here, something fell from his pocket onto the floor…
A recording of him, let’s give it a play and hear some more!

I’ve rewired this old clock radio into a bona-fide Time Machine!
Now I can go back to any point in history, any time I want to!
I’ll just use my invention to go back in time…
Come to think of it, I can re-do anything I want!
That’s kinda cool, huh?
Oh, this’ll be great! Uh, Ok!

Now I finally had him, evidence in hand
Soon the world would know about Weird Al’s plan
I’d go to the press and I’d spill the beans
Not sure what that phrase about legumes even means

Al can’t deny that he took my stuff
The gloves were off. It’s time to get tough
Al showed up and I played the tape
He stood and listened with his mouth agape

Then Weird Al told me it was all a dream
And nothing that had happened was as it seemed
So he gave me a sip of his chicken soup
But as we were talking my eyelids drooped

The next thing that I knew I woke up in bed
Was it all some weirdness coming from my head
And when I got up something hit the ground
It was Weird Al’s tape that I had found!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Old Man Joe Is Learning French

Posted on July 28, 2026 by Joe's Dump

Old Man Joe Is Learning French (AIENT)

Dedicated to all those learning a new language.

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Old Man Joe Is Learning French by Joe J Thomas

Parody of “Old MacDonald”
Keyboard, Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
More at: JoesDump.com

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
~~~ Lyrics: ~~~
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
Imperfect tense has verbs that end in AIENT
But you don’t say “E” and you don’t say “N”. You don’t say “T”. You just say “AI”.
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
…
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
Sometimes there’s words that sound the same. AIENT
Verre means glass, vert means green, vers means towards, and ver means worm
And you don’t say “E” and you don’t say “N”.You don’t say “T”. You just say “AI”.
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
…
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
Liason means you say the ends. AIENT
Say the “S”, and say the “Z”. Say the “TDFNX”
Verre means glass, vert means green, vers means towards, and ver means worm
And you don’t say “E” and you don’t say “N”. You don’t say “T”. You just say “AI”.
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
…
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
Lots of words mean lots of things AIENT
This peach is a fish, His flight got stolen, My lawyer is an avocado.
Say the “S”, and say the “Z”. Say the “TDFNX”
Verre means glass, vert means green, vers means towards, and ver means worm
And you don’t say “E” and you don’t say “N”. You don’t say “T”. You just say “AI”.
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
…
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT
They sure do like some fatty foods AIENT
Some fois gras here, duck fat there, crème fraîche, sauces, lots of butter
This peach is a fish, His flight got stolen, My lawyer is an avocado.
Say the “S”, and say the “Z”. Say the “TDFNX”
Verre means glass, vert means green, vers means towards, and ver means worm
And you don’t say “E” and you don’t say “N”. You don’t say “T”. You just say “AI”.
Old man Joe is learning French. AIENT

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Vintage Horror

Posted on October 31, 2025 by Joe's Dump

Vintage Horror

Happy Halloween!

The best way for me to celebrate is with some old friends… Really. Old. Friends.

A scary bit of fun with some singing delebs (that’s dead celebs)

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Vintage Horror by Joe J Thomas

An original song by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump (JoesDump.com)
Copyright 2025, All rights reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production

~~~ Lyrics ~~~

Key:
Boris Karloff (BK), Peter Lorre (PL), Vincent Price (VP), Bela Lugosi (BL), Anthony Perkins (AP), Tor Johnson (TJ)

— Song Open —
(Sfx knock on door, creeky open, storm outside)
VP: gentlemen, welcome! Bela, Peter, Boris… So glad you could all make it back.
(chatter from others)
BK: Lugosi! Don’t tell me you’re going to sing too!
BL: What’s the matter, Karloff… Don’t you like torture?
VP: All right! Settle down everyone. Peter, why don’t you get us started with the drums?
PL: I didn’t come back from the dead just to be Ringo!
VP: All right Peter, calm yourself. You’ll be more like Phil Collins, ok?
PL: Well all right, I guess…
(Drums Start)
VP: Boris, you’re on Bass.
BK: I’m down with that, Vinnie.
(Bass Starts)
VP: Get to your instruments, all, and let’s knock this out so we can all go back to our final resting places…
(Music Intro)
— Song Lyrics —
BK: It’s been a while since we’ve been here
PL: To play upon your darkest fears
BL: From catacombs and out the ground
VP: We’ve got the soul for getting down

BK: A messy death by rope or knives
PL: You’re struggling to stay alive
BL: From poison tea or drowning lake
VP: Your soul may rot in hell to bake

— Chorus —
BK+PL: We’ve traveled from beyond the veil
BK+PL: With clammy hands and ghostly tales
BL+VP: The time has come for you to scream
BL+VP: You’ll not awaken from this dream

PL: You see the signs. It isn’t good.
BL: No friendly face in this neighborhood
VP: Grisly ghouls claw at your doors
BK: A nightly terror of ghastly horrors

PL: From underground and outer space
BL: There’s nowhere safe, no happy place
VP: The wraiths and creepers at your home
BK: Will never stop until you’re gone

— Chorus —
PL+BL: We’ve traveled from beyond the veil
PL+BL: With clammy hands and ghostly tales
VP+BK: The time has come for you to scream
VP+BK: You’ll not awaken from this dream

VP: Still, in the morning, all seems well
PL: A nightmare only, truth to tell
BK: But daylight doesn’t last so long
BL: That you’ll escape this eerie song

VP: Go have your breakfast, lunch and sup
PL: Late in the evening we’ll wake you up
BK: The whole thing will begin anew
BL: We’re on our way to sing to you!

VP: (Ah-hahahahahha)

— Song Close —
(more chatter, everyone leaves, door closes)
AP: Hello? Am I too late?
TJ: No One Here! Time For Go To Bed!
AP: Norman? Is that man Tor here again? What have I told you?!?!?
TJ+AP: Uh-Oh!!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Prez Like Me

Posted on May 30, 2025 by Joe's Dump

Prez Like Me

(parody of “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin)

On one thing we can all agree…
You Ain’t Never Had A Prez Like Me!

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Prez Like Me by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Prez Like Me
(parody of “Friend Like Me” from Aladdin)
Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas

… *** V1 ***
I been convicted of 34 felonies
With a thousand more on my tail
I never pay any of my attorney fees
And half my lawyers have been sent to jail
With crazy billionaires in my pocket now
Poorly educated voters in my camp
We’ll own those snowflake woke up libs, k-pow!
You picked an idiot for your champ!
And I say, hey angry racist rubes, I’ll make you rich you’ll see
Let me promise you some crazy shit
You ain’t never had a Prez like me!
This is your country now, a Dictatory regime
Cuz I’ll never give you what you want
You ain’t never had a Prez like me!
… *** V2 ***
Yes sir, I got some secret service. I’m the Boss, The King, you slobs!
It’s what I wish, go take a piss; Gonna fire you from your jobs!
I’ll sink the stock market, and crash the economy
Raise the gas and food, screw all you dudes
You ain’t never had a Prez like me!
… (scat interlude) Hamberders! Duh Duh! Drinkin’ Bleach! Duh Duh! Covfefe! Duh Duh! Duuuueeee!
… *** Bridge ***
Is your Prez a jerk? Is your Prez real crass?
Does your Prez have his head, up his big fat ass!
Can your Prez fool you? Well, looky here!
Gonna take your benefits, rights, your future and freedoms and make ‘em all disappear!
… *** V3 ***
So dontcha moan and groan about this shit, you morons only got yourselves to blame
Despite the lies, the vote is certified; The country’s never gonna be the same
Things are great for me, not so much for you. I thrive on pain and woe.
The nasty evil things I’ll do, Deport your uncle to Guantanamo.
From the Gulf of America and sea to stinkin’ sea
My Maga mob are here to rob
… *** CLOSE ***
You ain’t never had a Prez, things have gone amiss
You ain’t never had a Prez, straight from the abyss
You ain’t never. Had a. Prez. Like. Me!
(scatting…) Putin’s Pal, Brain Worm Guy. Nazi Nerds, Paedophiles. Musky Boy.
Now get ready for my Term Three! Ha!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Panda Parody Song

Posted on April 18, 2025 by Joe's Dump

Panda Parody Song

Pandas. You know they’re not from here, right?
Damn Alien Pandas…

Panda Parody Song
(parody of “Brandy” by Looking Glass 1972)

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Panda Parody Song by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Vocals by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump (JoesDump.com)

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Panda Parody Song
(parody of “Brandy” by Looking Glass 1972)

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of JoesDump.com
… verse 1
There’s a zoo not too far away
Moms and Dads watch their children play
Just to see furry things encaged
They’d never see at home
And there’s a bear in this smelly place
Some bamboo chewin’ in her face
She’s a Panda here from outer space
Lookin’ harmless by design
… chorus
And science says “Panda, Black and White Bear. Eatin’ all them bamboo trees”
But that thing could be an alien transplantee
… verse 2
Panda has a secret lair
Mind control hidden in her hair
A spaceship with galactic flare
And an anti-matter core
She came from a distant world
Plot and plan and to observe
Invasion fleets would be transferred
The earth is not her home
… chorus
And science says “Panda, Black and White Bear. Eatin’ all them bamboo trees”
They’re on earth and want to enslave humanity
… bridge
That Panda looked into my eyes and the things I saw were gory
The police did not believe a word when I told them the whole story
A tinfoil hat upon my head to stop their cunning plan
But no one else on earth will understand!
… verse 3
At night when the zoo’s closed down
Is when I’m lurking all around
To look for things I haven’t found
That ET hides so well
… chorus
And science says “Panda, Black and White Bear. Eatin’ all them bamboo trees”
They’re on earth and want to enslave humanity
Yeah science says “Panda, Black and White Bear. Eatin’ all them bamboo trees”
They’re on earth and want to enslave humanity

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

50 Ways To Love Your Lever (parody song)

Posted on January 31, 2025 by Joe's Dump

50 Ways To Love Your Lever

(parody of Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”)

Valentine’s day is on the way!
Time for some self-love, euphemisms, and good ole spoonerisms!

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

50 Ways To Love Your Lever by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Vocals by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump (JoesDump.com)

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
50 Ways To Love Your Lever
(parody of Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”)
~~~
I’ll help you with your auto sexuality
Choking your chicken is as simple as can be
Sit back, relax, undo that zipper easily
There must be fifty ways to love your lever
Don’t look at me as if my words are being rude
A chat about your skin flute’s bound to get a little crude
You sure don’t want to be a nasty little incel dude
There must be fifty ways to love your lever
Fifty ways to love your lever
…
You just slip out your schlong, Kong; Movin’ your hand, Stan
Ain’t playin’ with no toy, Roy; Just set your junk free
Oh, you give it a touch, Gus; In the under the butt nut hut!
Just grab what you see, Lee; And set your junk free
Yank on the crank, Frank. Pull on the pud Judd
Grab hold of the tool, Fool. Just set your junk free
Gonna bust a big nut, Chuck; Shift into that beef clutch
Well beat on the meat, Pete; And set your junk free
…
She said “I hope you see the method in my way”
On your way out, there’s a lady who’d be glad to take your pay
And I said, thank you Dr Ruth…
But can you tell me more about the fifty ways?
She said, “Why don’t you go home and take it in your hands?”
“It’ll be a big relief to all the pressure in your glands”
And as I walked out, I knew I could be the much bigger man
Who knows the fifty ways to love your lever
Fifty ways to love your lever
…
You just slip out your schlong, Kong; Movin’ your hand, Stan
Ain’t playin’ with no toy, Roy; Just set your junk free
Oh, you give it a touch, Gus; In the under the butt nut hut!
Just grab what you see, Lee; And set your junk free
Yank on the crank, Frank. Pull on the pud Judd
Grab hold of the tool, Fool. Just set your junk free
Gonna bust a big nut, Chuck; Shift into that beef clutch
Well beat on the meat, Pete; And set your junk free

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Christopher Walken Sings “Happy Birthday” to YOU!

Posted on December 6, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Christopher Walken Sings “Happy Birthday” to YOU!

Ever wonder what it’d be like for Christopher Walken to sing “Happy Birthday” TO YOU!?!?!

Well, wonder no more… Hear it for yourself at Joe’s Dump!

Video:

Audio:

Christopher Walking Sings Happy Birthday (Joe J Thomas)

Voice and Vocals: Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

Piano provided by: Jonny May of PianoWithJonny.com

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Hannibal Lecter (Eleanor Rigby parody)

Posted on October 18, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Hannibal Lecter

(parody of “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles)

Ah, Look at all the tasty people!

A Halloween Parody from Joe’s Dump…

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Hannibal Lecter by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Hannibal Lecter
(parody of “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles)
Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas
~~~
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Hannibal Lecter, he’s eating liver, chianti, some nice fava beans
This is his dream
Out in his locker, he’s got a face that he keeps in a jar by the door
One that he wore
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one
She’s Clarice Starling. Hannibal wants her to come and discuss all her fears
Don’t go too near!
None of it’s working. Buffalo Bill has the senator’s daughter somewhere
A lamb in his lair
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Hannibal Lecter, escaped from his cell and they’re looking for someone to blame
Oh what a shame
There’s Agent Starling, she thought she knew just exactly the thing he would crave
He’s so depraved
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

You’re Not A Bat (a Batman parody)

Posted on September 27, 2024 by Joe's Dump

You’re Not A Bat

(parody of “Year of the Cat” by Al Stewart)

Poor Batman… he needs a 6+ minute Noir style tribute song.
(well, that’s what I think anyway)

For the impatient, the words kick in at about the 1 minute mark 😉

Dedicated to the memory of Adam West, the one true Batman.

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

You're Not A Bat by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
You’re Not A Bat
(parody of Al Stewart’s “Year of the Cat”)
Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas
~~~
In the morning you have tea with Alfred
In the evening you go combat crime
Cuz a millionaire whose life’s completely boring
Doesn’t have a good time
You drive out in the night as a fearsome sight
Like some maniac who’s gone insane
The villains may have their machinations
But you gotta play their game
Dressing up like a bat.
…
There’s riddlers with rhymes and questions
And you know that some harm occurs
But you battle thugs and goons with indiscretion
Playing on their deepest fears
You go climbing the walls when the signal calls
From a hidden cave without a clue
These nights, you think, I feel my suit is sweaty and it’s chafing too
Cuz you dressed like a bat
…
Well the world treats you so cruelly
But you don’t whine. And nobody can see
Your voice sounds gravelly but so cooly
What a faker. Just Bruce Wayne hiding inside
The suit of a bat
…
The morning comes you’re bruised and battered
But the battle still rages on
The commissioner is calling on the bat phone
And you feel like a pawn
But the batmobile has a broken wheel
So you’re sleeping in most of the day
Maybe someday you’re bound to leave it
But for now you’re gonna stay
Disguised as a bat
You’re not a bat.

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

Posted on August 30, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

At the intersection of Baco’s and Discos lies… Bacon Bits!

In the 70’s the world was awash with Disco and Bacon Bits!
Both were literally everywhere (I’m still finding Baco’s in my elephant bell bottom cuffs)

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Bacon Bits! by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Bacon Bits!
(parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
—
Lyrics:
—
→ Bacon Bits!; Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits!
My salad’s old. It ain’t no good.
I’ve got something new; Make it taste like it should.
It’s Bacon Bits! Make my tongue dance. They’re so legit.
Want more! Much more! I can’t quit! This salad’s drowned in Bacon Bits!
→ Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits!
I’ve got mashed potatoes; They’re lookin’ at me.
But they’re not complete; And you know what they need.
Some Bacon Bits! Savory, salty, so unfit.
Gimmie! Too much! Of that shit! All I can taste are Bacon Bits!
→ Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!
Hey c’mon over here… it’s a new frontier, Bacon Bits in my beer!
You’ve got nowhere to run. Bacon Bits by the tonne.
They might call me insane. Bacon runs through my veins.
Atop Kilimanjaro. Underneath the Dead Sea.
My mind has expanded to a far out degree.
From Bacon Bits! I’ll put them on banana splits.
Oh god. That’s odd. Throw a fit. All that I need are Bacon Bits!
Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!
(musical break)
You can mock. You can jeer. I’ll be up to my ears. There’s nothing to fear.
From Bacon Bits. My kitchen’s full of those tidbits.
It’s all I eat. Take a hit. I buy them in bulk. My Bacon Bits.
Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!

– (fin)

the Weird Al Time Machine Polka!

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

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Old Man Joe Is Learning French (AIENT)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

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Vintage Horror

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

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Prez Like Me

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

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Panda Parody Song

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

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50 Ways To Love Your Lever

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

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Christopher Walken Sings “Happy Birthday” to YOU!

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

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Hannibal Lecter

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

You’re Not A Bat

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

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