50 Ways To Love Your Lever (parody song)

Posted on January 31, 2025 by Joe's Dump

50 Ways To Love Your Lever

(parody of Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”)

Valentine’s day is on the way!
Time for some self-love, euphemisms, and good ole spoonerisms!

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

50 Ways To Love Your Lever by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Vocals by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump (JoesDump.com)

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
50 Ways To Love Your Lever
(parody of Paul Simon’s “50 Ways To Leave Your Lover”)
~~~
I’ll help you with your auto sexuality
Choking your chicken is as simple as can be
Sit back, relax, undo that zipper easily
There must be fifty ways to love your lever
Don’t look at me as if my words are being rude
A chat about your skin flute’s bound to get a little crude
You sure don’t want to be a nasty little incel dude
There must be fifty ways to love your lever
Fifty ways to love your lever
…
You just slip out your schlong, Kong; Movin’ your hand, Stan
Ain’t playin’ with no toy, Roy; Just set your junk free
Oh, you give it a touch, Gus; In the under the butt nut hut!
Just grab what you see, Lee; And set your junk free
Yank on the crank, Frank. Pull on the pud Judd
Grab hold of the tool, Fool. Just set your junk free
Gonna bust a big nut, Chuck; Shift into that beef clutch
Well beat on the meat, Pete; And set your junk free
…
She said “I hope you see the method in my way”
On your way out, there’s a lady who’d be glad to take your pay
And I said, thank you Dr Ruth…
But can you tell me more about the fifty ways?
She said, “Why don’t you go home and take it in your hands?”
“It’ll be a big relief to all the pressure in your glands”
And as I walked out, I knew I could be the much bigger man
Who knows the fifty ways to love your lever
Fifty ways to love your lever
…
You just slip out your schlong, Kong; Movin’ your hand, Stan
Ain’t playin’ with no toy, Roy; Just set your junk free
Oh, you give it a touch, Gus; In the under the butt nut hut!
Just grab what you see, Lee; And set your junk free
Yank on the crank, Frank. Pull on the pud Judd
Grab hold of the tool, Fool. Just set your junk free
Gonna bust a big nut, Chuck; Shift into that beef clutch
Well beat on the meat, Pete; And set your junk free

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Hannibal Lecter (Eleanor Rigby parody)

Posted on October 18, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Hannibal Lecter

(parody of “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles)

Ah, Look at all the tasty people!

A Halloween Parody from Joe’s Dump…

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Hannibal Lecter by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Hannibal Lecter
(parody of “Eleanor Rigby” by The Beatles)
Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas
~~~
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Hannibal Lecter, he’s eating liver, chianti, some nice fava beans
This is his dream
Out in his locker, he’s got a face that he keeps in a jar by the door
One that he wore
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one
She’s Clarice Starling. Hannibal wants her to come and discuss all her fears
Don’t go too near!
None of it’s working. Buffalo Bill has the senator’s daughter somewhere
A lamb in his lair
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Ah, look at all the tasty people.
Hannibal Lecter, escaped from his cell and they’re looking for someone to blame
Oh what a shame
There’s Agent Starling, she thought she knew just exactly the thing he would crave
He’s so depraved
All the tasty people, He hunts them just for fun
All the tasty people. He’ll eat them one by one

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

You’re Not A Bat (a Batman parody)

Posted on September 27, 2024 by Joe's Dump

You’re Not A Bat

(parody of “Year of the Cat” by Al Stewart)

Poor Batman… he needs a 6+ minute Noir style tribute song.
(well, that’s what I think anyway)

For the impatient, the words kick in at about the 1 minute mark 😉

Dedicated to the memory of Adam West, the one true Batman.

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

You're Not A Bat by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
You’re Not A Bat
(parody of Al Stewart’s “Year of the Cat”)
Lyrics and Singing: Joe J Thomas
~~~
In the morning you have tea with Alfred
In the evening you go combat crime
Cuz a millionaire whose life’s completely boring
Doesn’t have a good time
You drive out in the night as a fearsome sight
Like some maniac who’s gone insane
The villains may have their machinations
But you gotta play their game
Dressing up like a bat.
…
There’s riddlers with rhymes and questions
And you know that some harm occurs
But you battle thugs and goons with indiscretion
Playing on their deepest fears
You go climbing the walls when the signal calls
From a hidden cave without a clue
These nights, you think, I feel my suit is sweaty and it’s chafing too
Cuz you dressed like a bat
…
Well the world treats you so cruelly
But you don’t whine. And nobody can see
Your voice sounds gravelly but so cooly
What a faker. Just Bruce Wayne hiding inside
The suit of a bat
…
The morning comes you’re bruised and battered
But the battle still rages on
The commissioner is calling on the bat phone
And you feel like a pawn
But the batmobile has a broken wheel
So you’re sleeping in most of the day
Maybe someday you’re bound to leave it
But for now you’re gonna stay
Disguised as a bat
You’re not a bat.

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

Posted on August 30, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

At the intersection of Baco’s and Discos lies… Bacon Bits!

In the 70’s the world was awash with Disco and Bacon Bits!
Both were literally everywhere (I’m still finding Baco’s in my elephant bell bottom cuffs)

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Bacon Bits! by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Bacon Bits!
(parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
—
Lyrics:
—
→ Bacon Bits!; Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits!
My salad’s old. It ain’t no good.
I’ve got something new; Make it taste like it should.
It’s Bacon Bits! Make my tongue dance. They’re so legit.
Want more! Much more! I can’t quit! This salad’s drowned in Bacon Bits!
→ Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits!
I’ve got mashed potatoes; They’re lookin’ at me.
But they’re not complete; And you know what they need.
Some Bacon Bits! Savory, salty, so unfit.
Gimmie! Too much! Of that shit! All I can taste are Bacon Bits!
→ Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!
Hey c’mon over here… it’s a new frontier, Bacon Bits in my beer!
You’ve got nowhere to run. Bacon Bits by the tonne.
They might call me insane. Bacon runs through my veins.
Atop Kilimanjaro. Underneath the Dead Sea.
My mind has expanded to a far out degree.
From Bacon Bits! I’ll put them on banana splits.
Oh god. That’s odd. Throw a fit. All that I need are Bacon Bits!
Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!
(musical break)
You can mock. You can jeer. I’ll be up to my ears. There’s nothing to fear.
From Bacon Bits. My kitchen’s full of those tidbits.
It’s all I eat. Take a hit. I buy them in bulk. My Bacon Bits.
Mmm-mmm-mmm; Bacon Bits! Bacon Bits!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Seat 49! (parody of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond)

Posted on July 9, 2024 by Joe's Dump

Seat 49! (parody of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond)

Real life drama from my last transatlantic flight.

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Seat 49! by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Seat 49! (parody of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond)
Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump
Lyrics:
…
I’m on a flight. It’s gonna be twelve hours. Maybe I’ll take a nap or two.
Wearing a mask. Cuz there’s this guy behind me. Sounds like he’s got a real bad flu.
Cough. Hacking phlegm. What the hell! Sneeze on me. Sneeze on you.
Seat 49 (cough, cough, cough). I don’t think you understood!
Not doing fine! I would get off if I could. But then I
Look at my wife. She’s fast asleep beside me. She doesn’t know that something’s wrong.
No rest for me. Just gotta keep my cool now. That guy behind sounds like King Kong.
Cough. Hacking phlegm. What the hell! Sneeze on me. Sneeze on you.
Seat 49 (cough, cough, cough). How on earth are you so rude?
Not doing fine! You put me in a bad mood! Oh no no.
Seat 49 (cough, cough, cough). You’re in public and so crude!
Seat 49. I think my mind has come unglued!
Seat 49!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

7-Up (Parody of “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers)

Posted on March 22, 2024 by Joe's Dump

7-Up (Parody of “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers)

A song about disappointing drink choices.

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

7-Up by Joe J Thomas

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
7-Up
(parody of “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers)
Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump
Lyrics:
…
My friends; Give me some Rum at a party
I keep tryin’ to tell them; I need Coke-a-Cola to get things started.
Ah-huh, and they answer; That they ain’t got that kinda stuff.
I, I, I, I, would like to use; some mixer in my booze
They keep on giving me… A little 7-Up. They gimmie 7-Up.
…
My brother; Sit me right down with a bottle of Gin
Ah-huh He told me; If I let it go to waste it’s a sin
And I’m sure he meant well; Yeah, but momma don’t raise no fool
I, I, I said brother you look confused; I need some Tonic to infuse
But he offered this excuse; A can of 7-Up. He gimmie 7-Up
…
Ah-huh, sometimes; I may imbibe a little too much alcohol
Y’all take me clubbin’ late at night; And my tummy is a butterfly free-for-all
Ah-huh, but oh, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe; Ginger Ale would soothe my stuff
I, I, I will not be amused; When I open the fridge to choose
What I see gives me the blues; It’s full of 7-Up. Just gimmie 7-Up
…
Talkin’ bout drinks that I won’t use; RC Cola and Mr. Pib too
Don’t you give me none of that stuff and I sure don’t want no 7-Up.
Don’t give me 7-Up. Don’t want no 7-Up.
– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

At Starbucks (StarChucks)

Posted on February 28, 2024 by Joe's Dump

At Starbucks (StarChucks)

(parody of “On Broadway” by George Benson)

In the mood for some Coffee? Why not try Starbucks, er… StarChucks?

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

At Starbucks (parody of On Broadway) by Joe J Thomas

At Starbucks (StarChucks)
(parody of “On Broadway” by George Benson)
Copyright 2023 Joe J Thomas, Joe’s Dump, JoesDump.com
All Rights Reserved.
Not a Quinn-Martin Production.

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
At Starbucks (StarChucks)
(parody of “On Broadway” by George Benson)
Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump
Lyrics:
…
They sell you coffee in a cup at Starbucks
Or half-caf latte with some soy in there
But when it comes to pay the bill
You’re only there to fill their till
That money just evaporates in air
(oooooo)
Them drinks are gonna make you fat at Starbucks
With calories and lots of sugar too
It’s caffeinating through your mind
And subjugating all mankind
But nowhere else is left for you to choose
(ooooooo)
I finally understood the game at Starbucks
And started up a knockoff brand that’s deluxe
So now I own this coffee bar
It’s like a money cookie jar
And I won’t stop ‘til I’m the Tsar of Star-Chucks
– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Nothing Nice (parody of ?)

Posted on November 17, 2023 by Joe's Dump

Nothing Nice (parody of ?)

You know when you know a song but you don’t know the name of the song?
Well, I wrote a song about that song.
…
No, I’m not gonna tell you the name.
…

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Nothing Nice (parody of ?) by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Nothing Nice
Parody of ?
Written and Sung by Joe J Thomas of Joe’s Dump
Lyrics:
…
What is that song I hear? Sounds so familiar now.
Maybe I’ll Google it. Ba-da-ba-ba-da-dow
Not the McDonald’s song. Give it a try with Bing.
Alexa help me find Ta-ta-ta-ta-pa-ping.
Nothing. All I get is nothing.
And someday I will find…
The stupid name of this song and finally be happier
…
Gonna go ask my friends. See if they recognize.
Oh yeah I know that one. Zeedle-za-zoodle-zise.
Still we can’t find the name. Shouldn’t it be a breeze.
They all just look at me. Duh-Duh-Duh-Deedle-Deeze.
Nothing. All I get is nothing.
This is such lunacy. Knowing the name would be nice.
…
(Incoherent Rambling Scat)
Nothing. All I get is nothing.
And someday I will find…
The stupid name of this song and finally be happier.
…
The song that’s been haunting me, now it is haunting you.
No need for thanks, it’s just Doodle-da-do-da-do.
It is so catchy I cannot stop singing it.
I’ll never know the name Shitty-shit-shitty-shit.
Nothing. All I get is nothing.
Now it’s in all of us. We think that it is so … nice.
This song is so nice. Oh, it’s just so nice.
– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

I Got It From Agnes (Tom Lehrer cover song)

Posted on September 15, 2023 by Joe's Dump

I Got It From Agnes

(Tom Lehrer cover song)

Singing by Joe J Thomas

Tom Lehrer is one of my favorite comedy music artists. It’s a thrill to be able to cover one of his songs. Enjoy!

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

I Got It From Agnes (Tom Lehrer cover song) by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
I Got It From Agnes (Cover Song by Joe J Thomas
Original Song by Tom Lehrer
Lyrics:
—
I love my friends and they love me. We’re just as close as we can be
And just because we really care. Whatever we get, we share!
I got it from Agnes. She got it from Jim
We all agree it must have been Louise who gave it to him
Now, she got it from Harry, Who got it from Marie
And everybody knows that Marie… Got it from me!
Giles got it from Daphne. She got it from Joan
Who picked it up in County Cork A-kissin’ the Blarney Stone
Pierre gave it to Sheila, Who must have brought it there.
He got it from Francois and Jacques. A-ha! Lucky Pierre!
Max got it from Edith, Who gets it every spring
She got it from her Daddy, Who just gives her everything
She then gave it to Daniel, Whose spaniel has it now
Our dentist even got it, And we’re still wondering how
Ah, but I got it from Agnes. Or maybe it was Sue
Or Millie or Billie or Gillie or Willie. It doesn’t matter who
It might have been at the pub, Or at the club, or in the loo
And if you will be my friend, Then I might
Mind you, I said, “might”
Give it to you!

– (fin)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Decide! (Cat Song)

Posted on August 15, 2023 by Joe's Dump

Decide! (Cat Song)

(parody of “Rawhide!”)

Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas

Thank you to all my Friends for Photos of their Furry Felines
(=^_^=)

Buy it on The FuMP!!! (clicky! clicky!)

Decide! (Cat Song) by Joe J Thomas

~~~ Lyrics ~~~
Decide! (Cat Song) – Parody of “Rawhide!”
Lyrics and Singing by Joe J Thomas
—
Yowlin’, yowlin’, yowlin’, Hear them cats a howlin’. Can’t they quit that Meowin’, Inside!
Wave a stick that has a feather, and chase fur toys with leather, Thinkin’ they’re a tiny lion pride.
Them little kitty kisses, murder beans and hisses, look at ‘em shakin’ their backsides…
Let ‘em out, Let us in, Put ‘em in, Put us out, Let ‘em out, Let us in… Decide!
Put ‘em out, Put us in, Let ‘em in, Let us out, Put ‘em out… Why can’t you Decide?!?!?
…
Feedin’, feedin’, feedin’, while their paws are kneedin’. Caused a little bleedin’… My Thigh!
Them cats is always eatin’. Lickin’, runnin’, sleepin’. Don’t ask cuz I really don’t know why.
I’m a slave to their desires, it’s makin’ me real tired. The smell from the litter box is high!
Scoop it out!, Fill it up, Fill the bowl, Eat it up, Let ‘em out, Let us in… Decide!
Take a rest, Pet me now, Brush their fur, Wanna play, What the hell… Why won’t you Decide?!?!?
…
Blowin’, blowin’, blowin’. There’s a snowstorm snowin’, Ain’t no cats a goin’ Outside!
I hear them kitties comin’, through the house they’re runnin’, underneath the covers they will hide.
It’s warmer in my bedroom, they’ll be sleepin’ on my head soon, they treat me like a magic carpet ride.
Snuggle up!, Crazies now!, Settle down!, Run Around!, Wanna sleep!, Kneed the sheets… Decide!
On my feet!, Meowing sweet!, Take a rest!, Motor Purr!, I Love you… now just please Decide?!?!?

– (fin)

50 Ways To Love Your Lever

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Hannibal Lecter

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

You’re Not A Bat

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Bacon Bits! (parody of “Makin’ It” by David Naughton)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Seat 49! (parody of “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

7-Up (Parody of “Use Me Up” by Bill Withers)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

At Starbucks (StarChucks)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Nothing Nice (parody of ?)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

I Got It From Agnes

(Tom Lehrer cover song)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this:

Decide! (Cat Song)

(parody of “Rawhide!”)

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com

Like this: