FDA Passes New Performer Labeling Law

FDA NEWS RELEASE

For Immediate Release: Dec. 23, 2013
Media Inquiries: Guy Inagorillasuit 555/555-1212

 
Announcement:
Due to recent consumer confusion over terms like “celebrity“, “personality“, and “star“, the FDA has decided to enact mandatory labeling of all performers.

“We’re mainly concerned that most viewers don’t know what the heck they’re watching anymore, so it’s up to us to save them!”, says Hugh Jasperson, Executive Director in charge of Conspicuous Consumer Consumption. “These new labels will help folks sort through the confusion and enable them to make more informed entertainment decisions for themselves, their loved ones, and their pets.”

The standardized labels, which will be tattooed on the upper right arm of all performers, will list the exact EDA % (Entertainment Daily Allowance percentage) for six key qualities.

Sample Labels:
Sample labels for a variety of common performer genres are displayed below (individual performer labels will vary):

Compliance:
Beginning in March of 2014, performers will begin receiving letters with full details on the law, and directions to the federal labeling tattoo parlor nearest to them.

Performers who have not complied with the law by the end of the labeling period in June of 2014 will be reassigned to other useful jobs, such as welders, short order cooks, mail delivery persons, or ditch diggers. Please note that no performers will be assigned positions as waiters, pizza delivery or bartenders as these jobs are already occupied by performers.

Gratitude:
“We truly hope that the non-famous public will appreciate our efforts to eradicate the mass-confusion resulting from the glut of new celebrities, er, stars, uh, performers… ah, heck! You know what I mean!”, stammered Flem Mucostan, Co-Chair of the Committee on Committing Commuter Comedies

About the FDA: The FDA, an agency within the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, has recently expanded its scope to include entertainment. This is due to the increase in the consumption of said entertainment by a more less uninformed public. It is therefore the duty of the FDA to protect consumers from anything they consume where said consumption may result in over-consuming.

All content written and voiced by Joe J Thomas online at: JoeActor.com